Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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