Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
