I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
