Kiss
Puke
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
