i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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