and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
