So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
