I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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