I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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