So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
