I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
