am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
