Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
