I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
