She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
