Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
FUCK WHALES
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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