my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So apparently I’m into choking now
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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