You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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