I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
