i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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