so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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