ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
