FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
