I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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