I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
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It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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