May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
