Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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