He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
