you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Drunk is a universal language darling
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
