we're chasing vodka with high fives
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
