i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
