theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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