My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
