i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
