why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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