and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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