You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
