Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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