i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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