last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
