My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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