I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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