I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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