I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
