Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
