I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
