pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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