why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
