She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
