My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
