i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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