my phone needs a breathalizer
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
