final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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