i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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