this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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