I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
