it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
