pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Is Oprah even human
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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