so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
