i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
