Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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